Midlife Crisis? 8 Reasons to Listen to Your Inner Penis

Doug

Governor Sanford, Mel Gibson, and 38 million men in their midlife can’t all be wrong! Midlife crisis (Or midlife transformation if you are a Buddhist or Zen expert) is a temporary situation. Your life isn’t over, but by the time your crisis is, you’ll be three years closer to the grave. Maybe you’ve had thoughts of taking up oil painting or taking up adrenaline-based activities like bungee jumping or  hiring hookers in Panama.

Not sure if you are in a midlife crisis? Have you had thoughts such as:

•You are seriously thinking about “hiring a pro” next time you are in Vegas.
•You recently looked in the mirror and saw your dad.
•Your wife is not appealing to you anymore (and Stacey in accounting definitely is!)
•Your sex drive is waning or you just can’t go as long as you did a few years ago.
•Your wife and you have drifted apart and don’t share the same enthusiasm for life.
•You flirt more than before and/or you have looked at more porn than usual.
•Your midsection is flabby no matter how much you diet or exercise
•You think more about the past than the future.

Hello, chump…you are in a midlife crisis!

A midlife crisis cannot be treated like any problem or challenge previously experienced. There is no article, book, or therapy session that will fix it all today. Going to a fantasy ball camp or going across the country on Harley’s with your friends won’t fix it all by itself either. The journey one must go through is just that-a journey. In order to come out of this phase BETTER, STRONGER and HAPPIER one will need to reflect, grow, and map out their personal journey. Here are 8 tips to help you cry, rejoice or stay miserable:

1. Stop reading stories about success! When a guy in MLC (midlife crisis) reads about some 11 year old learning to fly or some 28 year old billionaire, not only is it an EXTREME exception, it makes us normal guys physically sick. Read about Colonel Sanders or Ray Kroc. These guys didn’t hit their business stride until their MLC was over, and their pecker was gathering dust.

2. Share ALL your perverted thoughts with your spouse. Don’t hold back. Who cares that you “thought” about a three-some when you were in Vegas! Studies have shown that 82% of guys fantasize about it, 17% pull it off, and only 1% talk to their spouses about ANYTHING! Be a contrarian and let her know. That way she won’t be surprised if you leave her for a Peruvian cage dancer. Who knows, she may be one of the 12% of women who will entertain the idea of a three-some! If you want to try to beat these odds, go ahead and read “How to Convince your Wife to Bring Home a Girlfriend” on my blog.

3. Take some time every day to reflect, think, and beat off. Listen, your life may be at a crossroad and you may decide to keep sucking up to your boss and stay with your frumpy wife. Hell, you may even elect not to get a hooker, stay faithful and suck it up, so at least take some amount of time for yourself and be happy for 8-10 minutes!

4. Definitely exercise more. Your MLC isn’t because the world is moving faster than your Nike’s, it is because you have one Florsheim in the grave already. Don’t worry, dude, everybody returns to their youth, and just because you may be wearing diapers in a few years doesn’t mean you can’t have a sexy nurse feed you your oatmeal or leave a good looking corpse. The more you convert your frustration and anxiety into meaningful exercise, the better you will feel. Plus, if you decide to get a divorce your chances of landing a nubile 29 year old with father issues instead of your mom’s friends increases ten-fold.

5. Don’t hire an escort. It is simple psychology, really. You are getting old and your body craves young, fertile females to breed with. If you are married, you run a few risks (Duh!). I shouldn’t have to remind you, but since your brain has relocated 4 inches below your belt, you need a reminder. Your 15 minutes of pleasure will be a temporary escape from the reality of your age. You didn’t REALLY impress her, Chuck. You aren’t REALLY going to marry Julia Roberts like in Pretty Woman. (Unless you look like Richard Gere and have a few million of disposable cash)

6. Cry every once in a while in front of your wife. Go ahead, let go and let it out. When the guys get together, we won’t share THAT information! But when you let your guard down in front of her, she’ll see your vulnerability, get in touch with your sensitive side, and probably give you a hummer. In any case, you’ll win points for sharing and you deserve some kind of reward for that!

7. Find a person or venue to vent…really vent. Of all the things that will make you feel better temporarily (including physical exercise, basket weaving, or blowing stuff up) the ability to talk it out, scream, or just get the crap out of your head is very important. Many of us tend to ponder the same garbage over and over again in our brains. Dumping those thoughts either on paper, to a therapist, or a non-judgemental friend is important. (NOTE: Be sure not to dump TOO much on your buddy, otherwise you may bore him to death as he pretends to care about your garbage. Or worse, he may open up and share how HIS life is even more miserable than yours!)

8. Read a few articles on midlife transformation (Eastern philosophy). The word midlife crisis is used as a Western reference point only. It isn’t really a crisis in the grand scheme of things, after all. You haven’t lost your kids and brothers in a Nazi concentration camp, chump. It’s just that our society has paved the way for you to have SO MUCH free time, that you can actually do something with your life, if you want to. Our great grandfathers were too busy working 90 hours per week to notice they were going to croak at 48. Your situation gives you the GIFT of a second life. Don’t cry too much about it. You really can take up skeet shooting as a career as long as you’ve socked away a few bucks for the trailer home in Okeechobee.

-Doug Steponin
www.makeyourwifehot.com