2 Secret Words for a Successful Marriage

Doug

“Just two words are all you have to know for a successful marriage,” my brother told me, “Yes dear.”

He was  SO wrong…

That was all the advice I received from my brother and dad over 21 years ago as I decided it was time to settle down, get married and start a family. Of course, there was a preamble I also heard, “I’m sorry” which can always be put in front of the sentence for added insurance.

My wife and I used to be proud that we never fought. I was always a charismatic, strong, and fun-to-be around entrepreneur. When it came to matters of the marriage, we got along and had no reason to argue. We told many people that we never fought, never argued and if there was a disagreement, hey…I remembered the advice I got. “Yes dear” pretty much eliminated conflict. What the hell, why should I get all bent out of shape. What IS worth arguing about? Little did I realize that proper arguing could lead to communication AND great make-up sex!

I never learned about professional arguing. I always thought that when a person raised his voice or made an “attack” that the opposing party would always get defensive or equally bad, simply not listen. Who wants to hear someone shout anyway? My hearing works well enough that volume doesn’t increase my retention-OK?

We didn’t fight or argue so when small matters of the marriage grew and festered, we didn’t confront them. We both thought the topics were too painful to bring up (I worked too much, she didn’t put out, etc.). We were too busy with the kids to realize that our inattention to our marriage would spiral down almost to the point of destruction.

For two non-fighting folks, we simply ignored our situation. What a mistake.

If we had confronted our issues BEFORE they grew we could have avoided years of marital discourse, an affair, and all the pain and suffering resulting from our mutual disconnect.

On the flip side, since we truly VALUED each other as individuals and made a COMMITMENT to our marriage, we decided to slug it out now. That means we had permission from each other to fight, argue and even bring up crap from the past. The results were that we are able to truly get stuff off our chest WITHOUT hurting the other person’s feelings.

We became professional arguers.

Keep in mind if you want 100% sincere, honest, open and purposeful communication then you have to be able to listen, listen, and listen some more WITHOUT interrupting, accusing, judging or being defensive. That is a tall order, but can work if you take the time to do it. (Yes, Buddy, you do…how else are you going to get more sex with your hot wife? If she’s not hot now, she WILL be after you both read my book)

Here are some VERY important tactics to pull this off:

1. Always start off your comment with “I feel”. If you say, “You make me mad the way you laugh at me.” That becomes an attack. Technically, YOU make yourself mad. Instead say, “I feel angry when you laugh like that. I know that is not your intention, but I do feel small when you do that.”

2. Start with letting her know that you are not perfect and you’ve done plenty to upset her. By letting her know that you are human and have defects like we all do levels the playing field. “I’m far from perfect and I know I’ve pissed you off before, so it’s probably no surprise, honey, that I felt the same way when you said that thing the other day.”

3. Don’t interrupt. The worst thing in the world is to interrupt a person. It clearly shows that you were not listening, digesting and analyzing what the person was telling you. Instead you were thinking about what YOU wanted to communicate. A person is incapable of listening if they are formulating a sentence. Let her talk first and let her get it all out. Period.

There are plenty more ideas for professional arguing. From my standpoint, the two words, “Yes dear” are the WORST advice to give to a man about to be wed. Being a milk-toast, Oprah-fied, emasculated nice guy is not what a woman wants, anyway. Most women want a strong, secure, confident man who can love her, respect her, and be a man. Be polite, of course, but don’t acquiesce all arguments. Learn how to listen, encourage and make your points without offense. Instead of “Yes dear” you may try silence followed up by a question. It also works better than “Screw you”.

For more advice on relationships, love, marriage and how to make your wife hot, visit www.makeyourwifehot.com.