How Can I Save My Marriage?

Doug

Saving a marriage begins with your attitude. After you DECIDE to work on it, you have to keep your attitude in the right space. After your decision has been made, give yourself time to learn how to be a couple again. You may have a few uncomfortable moments, but the journey can also be enjoyable. Below are a few thoughts and ideas:

  1. If you don’t want to take on something that interests your spouse, and jump in with both feet, you can still ‘share’ your thoughts and let them know you noticed what is important to them.
  2. For example, clip an article out of the paper on your husband’s favorite football team, or record a TV appearance by your wife’s favorite actor.  Better yet, read a newspaper article about something that interests your spouse and talk to them about it over dinner.  Ask them questions about what you read and what they know about the topic and watch their face light up.
  3. Listen to your spouse talk about their favorite subject or hobby and, instead of shutting them down, try to hear ‘clues’ in what they say about what makes them interested in the subject.
  4. Talk to them about what YOU find interesting in the subject.  For example, if your husband belongs to a book club and he always talks about the books he is reading, ask him about his favorite authors or what kinds of books he likes best – mystery, suspense, sci-fi.
  5. If you can’t share the interest, at least show your spouse that you respect and honor it.  Register your gourmet cook spouse in a local session with a famous chef or find a website or a recipe you think will interest them.
  6. A particularly effective and favorite way to develop a common interest is to look at what interests the both of you now.  Then try to find a common area or a ‘type’ of activity you both like.
  7. An example might be if both of you like sports, but you don’t have a sport in common.
  8. Perhaps you bowl and you work out at the gym, and your wife runs.  So, you are both in good physical condition and you both like to be active.  Maybe you’d like to take a sailing course together.
  9. Eventually, you might even buy a boat if you both like the activity.   But, for right now, start small.
  10. 10. If you both like music and there is one kind that you both like, buy tickets to a concert and go see the artist. Don’t wait, don’t talk about it. Just do  it.
  11. 11. Or, plan a day in the city to go to a museum that has exhibits you may both like.  Your spouse will gladly walk through the exhibit he does not like, to get to the one he DOES like and you’ll get to time to talk to each other as you wander around.

If his/her interests don’t align with yours, try doing something NEW together that neither of you has tried or experienced before. If you are bored, that means YOU are boring! Take the next boring or peaceful moment and get out of the house. Go somewhere or try a new activity that you wouldn’t ordinarily even think about.

Along the way, you will rediscover the things you love about each other and the things you already have in common.  And together you might just develop some new interests!  Remember, action creates results (negative or positive) and inaction breeds nothing except the reminder of your discontent. If you want to change your situation, change your actions!

My wife was a dull, slightly depressed mom to our children for years. As I entered midlife, I craved MORE action, adventure and excitement. I wanted a hot wife I could party with! At first she thought it was ridiculous, but eventually she not only embraced a full lifestyle, but has lead us to crazy nights, passionate sex and naughty activities that have created great memories for us to share over and over again. For some ideas on THAT click on http://www.makeyourwifehot.com.


6 Responses to “How Can I Save My Marriage?”

  • How Can I Save My Marriage? « My Steamy Exploits with My Hot Wife Says:

    […] Click here and read on for some powerful thoughts and ideas: Posted in Communication, Save Your Marriage. Tags: anger management, conflict, save my marriage, stop divorce. hot wife. Leave a Comment » […]

  • wishing Says:

    Your suggestions seem to be approximately what my wife says she needs (romantic evenings, pampering, sharing interests, massages and footrubs, lots of help with the housework etc), but whenever I have made significant efforts in that area, the most I have gotten is a small amount of very unsatisfying “mercy sex”. My efforts seem to make her feel obligated to have sex with me, but they have little or no effect on her sexual attraction to me.

    But on the few occasions that I have been fed up enough with our nearly sexless marriage that I have rented an apartment or initiated a divorce, all of the sudden the sex became frequent and enthusiastic and apparently sincere, until a month or two after I have moved back in or dropped the divorce. Does your book suggest more romancing and pampering? Does this really work? If so, why is it that a husband has to exert 10x the effort that a boyfriend boyfriend typically exerts, for less than half of the sex? A husband who, in addition to paying his wife’s bills, brings home flowers, takes her on romantic vacations and dinners, does her laundry, does more than half the housework and child care, seems to typically get half-hearted missionary-position sex less than once a month, but his wife’s illicit boyfriend, who does absolutely nothing for her except pulling her hair while he is cumming into her ass, gets passionate blowjobs and anything else he wants several times a week?

    I am not saying I have this all figured out; clearly I don’t know nearly enough, and I am willing to believe that you understand this subject way better than I do. I am just saying what I see all around me. I hope you can show me the error in my perception or my misunderstanding.

  • Doug Says:

    Dear Wishing,

    Yup. Women can certainly be complicated. Romancing and pampering women is a FIRST step to getting what you want. Doing that as an exercise or chore instead of from the heart isn’t bad, but it can be perceived as the same manipulation as her “mercy sex.”

    A boyfriend provides fantasy love and/or sex. A husband typical #1 role is security (A woman’s #1 need). Combining these two roles requires patience and creativity.

    No single person can satisfy all of our needs, of course. But your understanding of those needs, and her belief that you actually care about them can melt that ice-queen.

    Threatening divorce rattled her foundation of security. Now it’s time to get to know the rest of her. Being a husband AND a boyfriend is a tall order. It takes time and patience. It will require deep conversations about your mutual needs and roles. Letting her know that your lives CAN be rich in security, lust and passion will require both of you to open up and reveal your guarded thoughts.

    You need to ask her to be 100% truthful of her attraction to you. It can be very painful for someone to hear “I’m not attracted to you anymore because…”. But we can’t expect someone to work on it, if we don’t bring it up.

    Encourage her to talk openly to you. Once she does, you’ll feel better about doing the same. If the both of you have the patience to talk, listen and accept, you are now in the top 5-10% of all married couples that still enjoy lustful, creative, passion-filled sex.

  • Wishing Says:

    My instincts tell me that your response is the truth and that you do indeed have much to teach me. I will buy your book and read it.

    But I am not yet convinced that it is in my best interest to follow your book’s advice. I imagine that it would take a least a year of effort on my part before my marriage could become fulfilling to me, and that a good outcome is far from a sure thing, mostly because I am not sure I have what it takes to keep up the extra effort for months or longer, while struggling with my own hurt and lonely feelings. But before I married, I had a number of emotionally and sexually fulfilling relationships that lasted a year or two each. Perhaps my best strategy is to divorce, then go back to my previous lifestyle.

  • Doug Says:

    Your relationship is definitely at a crossroad.

    There are two paths before you and neither of them come with clarity or an abundance of joy. In fact, both of them come with a large dose of hurt, frustration and the unknown. However, EITHER path can lead to a new, fulfilling and passion-filled life! The problem is, in both cases, you are given challenges to overcome in order to get to that life.

    People who divorce because of the “other person” and remarry have a 3-5X increase of a failed second marriage. This is because they believe that leaving the marriage is the solution. They believe the problem rests primarily with their spouse. They think leaving fixes the issue when the MAIN issue is still within themselves.

    Stay married or divorce?…BOTH paths contain a large dose of reflection, pain and work. Either path CAN be fulfilling for you.

    If there are kids involved, believe me, another year of effort, playful expectation, deep discussion and patience is well worth it (even if things don’t work out, another year of a two-parent household has real value for your family).

    Your previous lifestyle of dating around was, of course, fulfilling to you. Men are hunters and your conquest of sexually and fulfilling relationships filled one of your core needs.

    Long term:
    When you are in your retirement years, what will you do? When a Viagra prescription gives way to Metamucil, what are you left with? Will you continue to date around? Will you be searching for a soul mate?

    Be aware of your long-term outlook. If there is even a slight chance of creating permanent change in both of you, it is a chance you be thankful you took, regardless of the outcome.

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